The Adventures of Pale Ale Man and Root Beer Boy
by yokainomiko
Summary: Germany is a vigilante beating the crap out of crime with Prussia as his awesome sidekick. Summary as taken from aphkink aid.


Title: The Adventures of Root Beer Boy and Pale Ale Man  
Rating: T/PG-13 for language.  
Word Count: 989  
Summary: Germany is a vigilante beating the crap out of crime with Prussia as his awesome sidekick (As taken from aphkink_aid)  
Notes: This was a kink meme fill asking for a vigilante Germany among other things. I think this is the crackiest thing I have ever written.

* * *

Ludwig stood in front of his full length mirror clutching what looked like a script. "You can do this," he muttered before looking his reflection in the eye. "Hello there your majesty, as you are well aware I have served as chief engineer for the kingdom ever since I graduated from university. Since we met at a royal function all those years ago–"

"WEST! We got trouble!" his older brother Gilbert, a low ranking copper, interrupted. "The Prince has been kidnapped!"

"What?! Prince Pasta has been kidnapped?!" Ludwig cried out losing his composure. "But I was going to confe– Err, I mean we need to get him back!"

Gilbert looked at his brother carefully, "Okay… To the AWESOME CAVE!"

The younger (and smarter) of the two sighed. "Do we really have to call it that?"

Blatantly ignoring the not so subtle jab about the awesome name of their secret hideout, he pulled a book from the nearby bookshelf and started dashing down the steps of the newly revealed secret passageway. The two pulled out glass bottles as they ran and started slugging them as they reached a snazzy black BMW. When the bottles were empty a bright light surrounded the pair which faded to reveal Pale Ale Man and his sidekick Root Beer Boy!

"Why do I have to be Root Beer Boy anyway?" Gilbert whined as they climbed into the sleek sports car.

"We've gone over this, the beverage chooses the drinker. Besides, it doesn't matter what the drink is. Just look at the greatest superheroes of all time, our parents Lord Vodka and Lady Cream Soda."

"What?! We're way more awesome than our parents!"

"…Let's just go save Prince Pasta…"

Since the engineer had secretly placed a chip in the prince's brain, the tracking system in the car made it quick work to find the kidnapped royalty in an old conveniently abandoned warehouse.

The two burst onto the scene and posed. "I'm Pale Ale Man! In the name of all liquor that is barley based I will smite evil and cook up a mean bar conversation!"

"And I'm Root Beer Boy! Sexy Soda manifested to clean up sticky situations and to subdue you with my bubbly personality!"

In the center of the room a roped figure started flailing in place, "Ve~ It's Lu–" a quick glare silenced the prince. "It's Pale Ale Man!" he corrected and grinned at the two heroes. "I'm saved!"

Ludwig coughed into his hand, "Ahem, Tomato Tyrant! Release Prince Pasta at once!"

The villain of the day frowned. "B-but Pizza Saucer did it all by himself and I promised him I wouldn't give in without a fight!"

Gilbert cracked his knuckles. "I've been itchin' for a good fight anyway. Corn Syrup Wave!" A mini-sea of clear and viscous liquid streamed from his hands and started drowning the vegetable based villain. "I got it bro' you go rescue your princess!"

The villain was quickly smothered into losing consciousness under the extreme weight of the thick sugary syrup as Pale Ale Man released Prince Pasta from his bonds. The prince threw his arms around his caped savior. "I knew you'd save me!"

"All in a hero's work," he replied embarrassed.

With the bad guy successfully subdued the three prepared to leave when a personal pizza hit Root Beer Boy in the face.

"Pizza Saucer! I have defeated your master, our animosity ends today!" Pale Ale Man bellowed when he saw who had thrown the offensive dinner item.

"It will never be over you starch based bastard!"

"HANGOVER HYPNOSIS!!"

Pizza Saucer started screaming as the hangover took hold of him. "Agh, it's so bright in here! Why does everything have to be so god damn loud? Ugh, I think I'm going to go throw up…"

"LOVINO?!?!"

"OH GOD DAMN IT STOP YELLING!!!!"

"OMG IT REALLY IS YOU LOVINO!"

"Err, your highness, I think it would be best if you spoke more softly…" the confused hero suggested as his brother started eating his personal pizza. "And who is this Lovino person anyway?"

"Lovino is Prince Pizza, and my older twin brother. When we were fifteen I was chosen as the heir to the Snack Haven Empire and he ran away from home in anger. Oh big brother it's so good to see you!" the prince explained.

"You're not mad that I kidnapped you?" the rogue royalty managed to ask after taking a moment to settle his headache.

"Of course not! Let's go home. Grandpa misses you."

"No he wouldn't. I'm always inferior to you Feliciano…"

"Aw, that's not true. Antonio seems to like you a lot?"

Prince Pizza blushed. "I, I guess, I mean, he helped me run away and become a super villain even if we do have stupid names like Tomato Tyrant and Pizza Saucer…"

"I bet if you come home I could even get Antonio pardoned! C'mon big brother, let's go home."

The older of the twins nodded and with that the forgotten hero removed his hangover spell and using his drunken memory lapse power teleported everyone to the palace just in time to hear the end of Mayor Hamburger's toast about how awesome Gourmet City is at the formal dinner of the evening. There were many heartfelt reunions and after the Tomato Tyrant was revived from his sugar induced coma everyone was pardoned and danced into the night.

"Ve~! Ludwig!"

"Yes your highness?"

"Since my brother has returned I can finally get married!"

"Oh, that's nice… I'm sure you'll find some nice cute–"

"So let's get married! I'll be Pale Ale Man's greatest~ ally~!"

"HEY! ROOT BEER BOY IS PALE ALE MAN'S GREATEST ALLY!"

"SHUT UP SODA SUCKER YOU'RE JUST A STUPID SIDEKICK ANYWAY!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY YOU LOSER PRINCE PIZZA?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S OLDER BUT DOESN'T GET THE CROWN!!"

"DO YOU WANT ANOTHER PIZZA IN YOUR FACE?!?"

And they all lived happily ever after… sort of.

* * *

As a final note. Did anyone notice how I tried to incorporate Rome's song into the story? Germans make the best engineers and worst police officers...

Posted 7/14/09


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